So here’s the thing: I’m going to tell you a story that may or may not have happened to me me just now. (It did) A grandmother came in to the bar with her four grandchildren because she heard we had the best french fries on the planet, there just potatoes lady. She ordered two cokes for all five of them to share because they get free re-fills, red flag number one. The kids are three girls and one boy, the boy is the oldest at ten and also the “heavy one”. There’s the “weird” girl at around six, the “coke bottle glasses” girl at around seven and the “normal” girl at around eight. Busy parents I guess. Their also the only people in the bar, it was a little slow for lunch today. I put the fries in the grease and return to pour the first of at least ten re-fills on the cokes. The boy gets change from me to play the video game in the corner, of course the game ate his money and he needed a refund. The grandmother started telling me how fantastic all her grand kids are and wanted me to listen to one of the girls read something off her smart phone and then said “Doesn’t she read so good?” I wanted to say “actually no, but i’m not too impressed when an eight year old can read” She then starts telling me how the boy went bowling the other night and got a “Turkey”, “that’s three strikes in a row” she said. No shit lady, by the way I don’t have grand kids that can read and bowl to show off to you so this isn’t a fair fight, I can’t even get laid and that’s the first step to grand kids! After about ten more coke re-fills I could see the boy getting diabetes right in front of me and then she asked for the check. The bill was $10.25, she asked the boy to pay because her money was at home. So the ten year old boy hands me a twenty dollar bill. I gave him the change of $9.75 and he politely handed me a two dollar tip. There is something so depressing for me to be thirty seven years old and being tipped by a ten year kid. I think I need to sit down and think about my life. Yes ladies I’m single 😉

Pierce my nipples?

So here’s the thing: I think the best decision I’ve ever made was to pierce my nipples. Really, I’m serious, my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner! Nothing is hotter that a thirty seven year old guy with man tits that have stainless steel through them. If you didn’t pick up on my sarcasm yet then you might be a little slow, start taking vitamins. Yes my nipples are pierced and it’s awful, thank God for my awkward body hair.

The bartender hates you..

So here’s the thing: If you ask the bartender the price of every fucking drink and every fucking beer then order a PBR can, he already knows he’s getting a shitty tip and therefore hates you. “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it” Stay home a drink Vodka out of a plastic bottle. Douche bag.

We got it backwards!

So here’s the thing: Someone please explain to me why the hell automobiles have to yield to pedestrians? Automobiles are the ones that weigh 4000 pounds of metal and glass moving 45 miles an hour. I don’t know about you, but I’m looking out for them and staying the hell out of their way. I’m not waiting for them to yield to my fat ass.

250 word AP style

If you think you had a bad morning commute you should be thankful you don’t live in Kabul, Afghanistan. Aside from car bombs that go off even in the most secure neighborhoods you have to deal with a maze of roads that are crumbling and unkempt in some areas. The pot holes are so big they turn into little ponds after a modest rainfall. Despite hundreds of billions of dollars being pumped into Afghanistan to help rebuild the roads, they are a mess even in the capitol city. If the conditions weren’t bad enough they don’t have any working street lights to help control and navigate traffic. To its credit, the municipality of Kabul has deployed hundreds of traffic police throughout the city. They wear bright yellow jackets and stand at intersections and roundabouts, braving the elements armed only with little signs. Unfortunately drivers rarely pay attention to the traffic officer’s efforts. “Afghanistan is a new country” one citizen told me, saying that it will naturally take time for people to learn to obey traffic laws. On the subject of rules there really only seems to be one that matters: Whoever has the most guns and armed guards are typically allowed to go wherever they want. It’s a common sight when driving through Kabul to see bulletproof vehicles with drivers who know how to use their vehicle’s size and weight to their advantage. It all makes for a frustrating yet mesmerizing commute and proof that despite decades of war the city of Kabul moves along at its own pace.