So here’s the thing: Dear person or persons who broke into my car and stole my Jordan’s. I hope you break both of your legs when your wearing my shoes. Who the fuck goes into a 2001 Saturn and steals shoes? It’s rhetorical.

So here’s the thing: Fellas you know your putting on a little too much weight if when your brushing your teeth with your shirt off and your boobs jiggle along with your brushing. Every morning, FML.

So here’s the thing: Last night was a first for me in the bar business which is a rare occurrence seeing as how I’ve been doing it for twenty years. A blind customer attacked our door guy because he was trying to call him a cab. Needless to say it didn’t work out in his favor. He got body slammed and didn’t even see it coming. Okay, bad joke, but true story.

So here’s the thing: You might be asking yourself what meat head night is, well let me explain. Tonight is the UFC fighting tournament that is so popular right now in our lovely country. I work in a sports bar that carries all the UFC fights so I call the fight nights meat head nights because of all the tough guys that come out to watch. Let me paint a picture for you. Groups of two and three guys wearing t-shirts two sizes too small but all the same style. They have matching gold chains around their bulging necks. One of the guys from each group is guaranteed to have a tribal tattoo of some sort on his arm. They all have high and tight fade haircuts. As far as what they drink well one guy is the vodka water guy cause he has to watch the calorie intake, the second guy is a Bud Light bottle he’ll drink for three hours and the third guy is an iced tea. The biggest penis in the whole crowd is three inches. (that part is a guess) You can actually feel the testosterone in the air like humidity and a fight usually breaks out over one guy accusing the other of having a shitty spray tan. So many shaved arms, I can’t wait.

So here’s the thing: There was some show on the other day with country music stars supporting our military and had some military people singing with them on stage. I was crying like a little baby. I don’t know if it’s a good thing to cry like that and truth be told I cry a lot when watching shit on t.v. or hearing that certain song in the car. I wonder if ladies like that kinda shit and think it’s cute because I’m in touch with my sensitive side or do they look at it like I’m weak and pathetic. Given my current status I would have to say weak and pathetic. I should do some push ups or something.