Fear you? No, more like hate you…

So here’s the thing: People say that you fear what you don’t understand, but when it comes to humans, I don’t understand them but that doesn’t mean I fear them. Most of the time I just end up hating them. It’s like the little dumb woman in front of me today driving that stopped in the middle of the road while merging onto Leetsdale Ave. because she’s too scared to do it while there are cars coming. There is NOT a yield sign and you have your own lane to merge in to, yet she is stopped staring into a living hell waiting for a break in the traffic so she can merge into the already empty lane in front of her. The constant pressing of my horn does nothing to educate her tiny mind that it’s okay to drive. All I can do is wait and curse every living thing around me and up my blood pressure to levels that have killed men of my age and chubby condition. She finally got the break in traffic she needed and proceeded to drive ten miles under the speed limit. As I passed her I looked over so I could put a face to my hate, said some choice words to myself and continued on with my drive. Did I flip her off you ask? I’m not a monster.

The bartender hates you…

So here’s the thing: If you go into a sports bar and start asking your bartender how much Budweiser costs, how much Coors Light costs, how much the cheapest drink is, then holy shit do they hate you. I mean to the point of going back in the kitchen and sitting in the corner to calm down so they don’t stab you in throat with a broken bottle of Budweiser while screaming “Three dollars and fifty cents!!” Have you ever heard the expression “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it” Just stay home you cheap assholes, I don’t need or want your .50 cent tip.

Ugly babies…

So here’s the thing: We all know that all babies aren’t cute, in fact some are just plain ugly. If you have kids I’m sure there’s been a moment when you asked yourself if your baby was cute or not, and if you never asked yourself that then your not normal. Your friends and family aren’t gonna tell you that you birthed a little half squirrel baby, but send me a pic and I will. Let me give you a tip on if you have an ugly baby or not. If nobody has ever told you an ugly baby story, or people always seem to have a cold when you ask if they want to hold the little monster, then chances are you have a pig baby, sorry.

I just split my pants…

20140625_165554

So here’s the thing: I just sat down in class and split my pants wide open. Now, what more of a sign do I need to introduce green leaf lettuce to my diet and not just on a cheeseburger. The girl that took the picture was a little to eager to do it I think. She has a thing for fat guys. FML.

You can’t spike bro…

So here’s the thing: It was decided long ago whether or not you can spike a volley ball or not, especially when it comes to beach volley ball. If your five foot three and not in the best shape of your life, spiking a volley ball is just not going to happen. I don’t know why you constantly try. It’s just pissing off your teammates when you jump up and try to spike the ball and it doesn’t even hit the bottom of the net. Now look, I’m not saying I could do it either and if you know me you know that I look like I was poured out of a human soft serve machine. I couldn’t spike my hair let alone a volley ball, but I’m also not trying to. I know my limitations, you should know yours.