Nice car…

So here’s the thing: What the hell is with these people who set off their own car alarms when trying to get in their vehicles? If you have trouble out smarting your key chain then maybe you don’t deserve that BMW big boy! Put down your Starbucks and over size sunglasses and take a minute to figure out how to get in your own car without looking like an asshole.

The bartender hates you…

So here’s the thing: I was working the floor the other night at work and I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m an awful server. I’m a great bartender but an awful server. I come up to this table of two, a man and woman and put on my fake smile as I say “Hi there! Can I get you guys something to drink?” The woman says “What do you have?” What the f*ck kinda question is that? Have you never been out before? Is this your first time here on earth? This is a sports bar. If you don’t have enough common sense to know what a sports bar has to offer in the way of drinks, just stay home and sniff glue. I hate you.

Fellas getting fat…

So here’s the thing: From time to time I like to let you fellas out there know when your starting to fatten up ┬áby giving you everyday signs you might miss. Today’s sign is when your putting on a belt and have to feel for that first belt loop instead of looking down to find it. It’s time to eat more green leaf vegetables.

The bartender hates you…

So here’s the thing: Don’t be the person who asks the bartender or server if the french fries are good. What kind of stupid ass question is that? They’re deep fried potatoes you idiot. That’s just the beginning for some of these “touched” individuals. Then they start with “Are they the thick steak fries or the thin spaghetti fries? Do they put seasoning on them? Do they have any of the potato skin on them? I don’t like the skin. So you would say medium thickness? I would say they’re fucking french fries in a sports bar. How about I go get a frozen french fry and stab you in the heart? There fucking potatoes man.

I’m rich…

So here’s the thing: I checked my bank account online today and discovered I made three cents in interest for this quarter. I don’t know how to spend it but I was thinking of taking a mental vacation to Europe, I’ve never been but I hear it’s nice. Another idea would be to go back to 1981 and buy three pieces of gum from a gumball machine. I can’t decide what to do with this new found fortune. Ya know, I think I’ll invest it in copper.