So here’s the thing: If your that person that goes through the self check out with a full shopping cart, then I really, really don’t like you. You should just, well, I mean I want you to, man I just don’t like you.

So here’s the thing: Just when you thought people couldn’t be any dumber, they can. So i’m working the other night and I was rolling silverware as part of my side work and a gentlemen approached me and blew my mind with stupidity. He says “hey man listen, I just put two dollars in that electric dart board because I thought it was a change machine. I want my two dollars back” Just take a few seconds to let that sink in…………………………………….okay. At first I thought he was joking but when I started laughing, his facial expression told me that he was serious. I explained to him that I wasn’t going to give him his money back because there wasn’t a reason I could justify doing a “paid out” of my register for two dollars because of a dumb person. I didn’t say it like that of course, but you get the picture. I can’t really believe somebody could honestly be that stupid and not only that, but willingly share their stupidity in hopes of collecting two dollars. I would have thought somebody would gladly give up two dollars to keep that story to themselves as to not let on how stupid they really are. Here’s a question, what did he do after he put the fist dollar bill in? Did he think that putting another dollar in the machine would dispense his first dollars change? Man oh man, I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but damn!

So here’s the thing: So I had a dream the other night where I was at a baseball game and there was a guy who was pissing people off because he was littering in the stadium. I went up to him and told him to cut that shit out and he said he wanted to fight me. I said alright, meet me outside the stadium after the game. He said okay, then I got really scared and left before the game was over so I didn’t have to fight him. Now, when I woke up, I can’t tell you the state of my self esteem. I chickened out of a fight, IN MY DREAM, that’s pretty weak. I’ve always known I was a  coward, but I thought that I would least be a man in my dreams. I need a new purse.

So here’s the thing: Yeah we get it, your kids are going back to school or starting school, but I never knew how much I wanted to see all these pictures of kids in nice new back packs until you guys starting posting them every two seconds!!  No really, I really really like all the pointless photos of kids in their cutest possible smiles with their fresh haircuts and ugly new clothes that mom thinks is so cute. Thank you so much for telling us how much you love your kids too, I assumed that you didn’t love them and that they didn’t change your life how ever many years ago they were born, but come to find out you do love them and they did change your life when they were born!! I also can’t thank you enough for telling me that time goes by so fast, I really had no idea, I thought my aching bones in the morning was because I was still twenty two years old, but it turns out time goes by fast and bones deteriorate over time, but I didn’t know until your kids grew up and started school! Well, at least you stopped posting pictures of  your fun little chicken salad that you had for lunch.

So here’s the thing: I literally just watched this kinda dorky kid wearing crocs trip over his own feet and wipe out. I’m at work and couldn’t help but burst into laughter. My co-workers were telling me to shut up but I couldn’t. Have you ever had one of those laughs that no matter what somebody is telling you, you couldn’t stop? That’s what this was. I almost choked on my carnitas taco with this kid hit the floor. He’s about ten years old and was wandering through the bar just being a kid and bang! That made my whole day, I almost forgot the fact that the people who stole my car on Tuesday also wrecked it beyond repair. On the bright side, I know how to get to the police impound now. Have a great day you crazy kids!!