So here’s the thing: If you don’t keep your finger nails clean, I don’t like or trust you. Every person I’ve ever met that has dirty finger nails has been a douche bag. You would be amazed at the people who don’t keep their finger nails clean and trimmed. Is it really that hard? Am I missing something? It’s just basic hygiene! If someone isn’t cleaning their finger nails, just think about the other areas of their body they don’t clean. I just want to hit people in the face with a bar of soap sometimes.
So here’s the thing: I don’t know about you, but when I see pet food commercials they make me really hungry. I haven’t eaten pet food in a long time, but I remember those summer afternoons sitting on the floor under the kitchen sink and digging my little hand in the dog food bag for a well deserved little treat. Ahhhh the grainy goodness of dry dog food, brings a smile to my face. Right, like I’m the only one!
So here’s the thing: I don’t know about you, but left handed people freak me out. When I find out someone is left handed I feel like I do when I meet somebody who doesn’t think The Big Lebowski was a good movie, it’s like….there’s something wrong with you. I mean, they probably brush their teeth with their left hand, I can’t trust that! I feel like their sick and need to take some aspirin or some shit to make them use the right hand. Maybe it’s just me.
So here’s the thing: You’re not really gonna agree with all these, but trust me, it drives us crazy. If you ask for silverware to eat any of these food items, then the bartender hates you: Cheese sticks, I hate you, Fried mushrooms, I hate you, Quesadilla, I hate you, Pizza, I hate you, Cheeseburger, I hate you, Chicken fingers, I hate you, Chicken wings, I hate you, Nachos, I hate you, Jalapeno poppers, I hate you, AND, If you use silverware to eat french fries, then basically you’re dead to me. The same people who think their too good to eat these foods with the bare hands because it’s uncivilized are the same people that use their finger nails to dig out the food stuck between their teeth. It’s called finger food for a reason you jerks.
So here’s the thing: Everybody knows that I’m not really a man, or at least a real man. Anatomically speaking, yes I’m male, but let’s face it, I’m not a man. I was reminded of this last night when I rented a movie from Red Box. (ha ha, red box) The movie I rented isn’t really important for this story because it’s the previews for the movie that got me. I cried at the preview of a youth football movie, yup, didn’t even need to watch the actual movie and I was crying. It’s times like this that I realize my beard isn’t fooling anybody, I’m a little girl. I’m a little girl trapped inside a fat man.