No poop for you!…

Dog cleaning up poop

So here’s the thing: I know some of you dog owners out there will like this. You’ll never find me cleaning up for a dog outside. Nope. No little baggy to carry around waiting for old spot to do his business. No carrying shit in a bag for two blocks until I find a trash can or one of those dog shit receptacles. I mean, the whole reason we take the dog outside is so we don’t have to clean up shit inside. Now you’re telling me I have to clean it up outside? Not gonna happen. A dog shitting outside is the natural order of the universe. It’s not like a broken microwave covered in glass falls out of their ass, in which case I would be compelled to clean that up, but poop, no sir. “I don’t want to step in shit while walking through the park” Then watch where you step, or don’t go to the park. Jerk.

The bartender hates you…

So here’s the thing: I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Have you people never been out before? Has the macaroni and cheese and daytime TV completely clogged your brains from the ability to make a rational thought? This is the “service industry” so if by me serving you is an irritation, then get your food and drink from the supermarket and go home to continue the waste that is your life. The next person to ask me “what do you have?” or doesn’t look me in the eye when I’m speaking to them, I just might freak out and….not say anything…..deal with it…..talk shit to my co-workers…..then do it all over again tomorrow. On a separate note, I dropped a new bar of soap on my big toe in the shower this afternoon, I yelled at it and was genuinely ¬†angry at the soap. I’m 38 years old.

I’m so jealous…

Fat guy photoSo here’s the thing: I’m going to be honest with you. I’m jealous of the guy who can take his shirt off in public and walk around like everything is normal. I don’t mean the guy who shouldn’t take his shirt off in public and walks around like everything is normal. You know the guy I’m talking about. You go out to the park with friends on a hot day with the dogs and Frisbee’s to mess around and have a good time and there’s always that guy who takes his shirt off and nobody thinks twice about it. That’s so weird and I’m jealous at the same time. If I decided to take my shirt off at the park and play Frisbee, people would say things like “Hey bro, this isn’t Europe, and you’re gross” or “What is that?” I have a hard enough time looking at myself in the mirror at home. I often say out loud while looking into my eyes in the mirror “It’s a good thing we have personality” Then I cry a little and get in the shower.

I’m getting old?…

cartoon old manSo here’s the thing: There was some left over Halloween candy at work the other day and I was bored and fat so I was eating some of it. The candy if you can believe it was sugar free Werther’s. Some of you youngsters have probably never even heard of Werther’s, but it’s an old man hard candy that I thought didn’t even exist anymore. Well I enjoyed it so much that I made it a point to go the the supermarket and buy some. That’s right, I actually premeditated buying hard candy. Not only did I walk straight to the candy isle the next time I went shopping, I complained out loud at the cost of said hard candy. It was $2.99. So my life is over. I’m an old man, alone, bitter and now I make the old man sound while I talk with hard candy in my mouth. Damn.

The bartender hates you…

So here’s the thing: Pay careful attention to this because it could be you, and most likely is. If you’re the people who walk into a restaurant or bar and automatically start rearranging the tables to accommodate the rest of the assholes that are showing up with your party, everybody who works in that restaurant or bar hates you. Seriously we hate you, and if one of the employees makes it known that they don’t hate you, we then turn on them and hate them. It’s kinda a peer pressure thing and believe me it’s much easier to hate you than work in a hostile environment. Is it so hard to find somebody who works there and politely ask if it’s okay to move some tables around for your party? It’s just common courtesy you dick. You might be thinking, “Hey, we pay your bills with our tips, whats the big deal moving some tables around?!” To that I say “Your ugly and nobody loves you”

Clean that mess up.

Clean that mess up.