So here’s the thing: As we start a new year I would just like everyone to take a moment and think about your friends and loved ones and how stupid they are. You thought this was going to be a sappy New Years post? Oh I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry. Did you hear the sarcasm in the previous sentence? Seriously though, if these people are ever going to change it’s up to us to help. Everyone’s New Years resolution should be to help a stupid person in their life to become a little less stupid. I’m hoping my friends and family don’t lose hope in helping me become less stupid too! (i said that last part to make you feel better). Happy New Year.

So here’s the thing: Why do people talk negatively about hate? Hate isn’t bad when used in the right fashion. For example, I hate that person in the bank who likes to have little “chit chat” conversation with the teller after the transaction has been completed. Those people deserve to be hated. If you don’t let your hate out about shit like that, then it just gets bottled up and you eventually take it out on someone you love, when you should actually take it out on that asshole at the bank by saying “Are you done with your deposit, or are you going to continue your conversation about the fucking weather?” That’s healthy babe. Let that shit out and feel great for the rest of the day. I’ll I’m saying is, if you don’t hate something, you be crazy.

So here’s the thing: There was actually a customer who called my friend and co-worker “Mrs. Booty” the other night at the bar. I just want to let all of you people out there know that yeah, it’s really not cool to call your server by a physical attribute she or he possesses. I mean, It get it, she has a great ass, and we all love a great ass, but  you don’t actually say anything. You just go about your business as a human being, steal a look when you can, and move on. The people who cross these lines and break these rules are called “serial killers”.

So here’s the thing: Have you ever noticed that almost all the balls in sports are round, but a football isn’t. Baseball, round. Basketball, round. Tennis, round. Racquetball, round. Golf, round. Ping Pong, round. Pool, round. Soccer, round. Foosball, round. Volleyball, round. Bowling, round. It would seem to me that by definition, a “ball” is round, so what the hell happened to a football? I don’t think we should call it a ball, we should call it a “foot-shit-thing”. I think that makes way more sense. We don’t call it a “Hockey ball” or a “shuttleball if you’re familiar with bad mitten,  because it’s not a ball, it’s a puck and a shuttlecock  you prick. I don’t know who I’m calling a prick necessarily, I’m just worked up over all these balls. Ohhh stop!

So here’s the thing: I can’t be the only one who has an overwhelming urge and desire to punch Progressive “Flo” in the face. I know it’s not her fault and I’m sure she’s just following her dream of being an actress and paying the bills, but still, I wan’t to punch her. I only want to punch her in the commercial world so it’s not real and I don’t go to jail. How sweet would it be to see a Progressive commercial where I get to punch her in the face? It wouldn’t be real, but it would look real because it’s tv. Nice.