So here’s the thing: It’s no secret that I’ve gained weight. If you know me, then you know what I’m talking about. I look like I ate my senior year me, it’s just sad. I’d like to preach to all you youngsters out there who are still in shape and give you the biggest clue to what leads you down “fat man road”. Are you ready? If you talk to your food before eating it, red flag big boy. Here’s what I did today. I went to Safeway for dinner and left with a gallon of milk and a box of cookies. When I got home I actually said these words when I put the milk and cookies down on the counter: “I’m gonna fuck you guys up so bad.” That’s when you know you have a problem people. Don’t talk to your food young thin and happy people, you’ll end up like me, and that’s just gross.