So here’s the thing: I just got done watching the State of the Union Address tonight and all during the speech I couldn’t help but think “You know, the President is a very good public speaker.” Then I started thinking “Yeah, yeah, war, economy, health care, hurry up, the Flash is on.” Most of the shows on the CW are shit, but I kinda like the Flash, he’s so fast! I’m a simple man.

So here’s the thing: Why would go to a bar and ask your bartender if they have an I-phone five charger so you can charge your phone while your there? What the fuck does that have to do with food or drink? You’re the person who bought the I-phone, you’re the person who bought the charger, if you want to charge your precious I-phone when you’re out, then bring it with you. It’s the best when you’re working playoff football, it’s busy as hell and some guy asks you if you have a charger for his phone, you tell him no and he says “Can you check if somebody else does?” “Yeah, dude. I’ll get right on that. By the way, nice shirt. What is that a medium? Nice and tight, really shows your nipples. I’m sure girls love that.”

So here’s the thing: Who the hell goes hiking?! I don’t get that shit at all. Yeah, let’s drive up to the mountains with some tuna sandwiches, bottled water and a back pack, get out of the car and start walking up this big rock that has wild animals who see me as food and hope we don’t get lost or fall off a cliff breaking a bone or two and hope somebody will find me before I die of dehydration or eaten by a bear. Yeah, what time? Let’s do this! No, let’s not. Have you ever watched the news man? When’s the last time there was a positive story about somebody going hiking? There wasn’t, the stories always involve wild animals, broken bones and bad decisions. Bad decision number one, going hiking. They invented the stair-master for a reason you pricks. “It’s so beautiful to be in nature” I’ve seen trees and rocks before, I wasn’t impressed.

So here’s the thing: There’s this guy who walks around my work neighborhood with a big parrot on his shoulder and every now and again he comes in for a drink. He came in last night with his bird and was pretty drunk. I was working the patio where everybody smokes including the “bird man”. I didn’t serve him anything to drink and he was showing off his bird to our patio guests and people were taking pictures and commenting on how pretty the bird was. I asked the “bird man” if he had to clip the birds wings. He told me he did, and then showed me where he clips them on the bird. After seeing this I couldn’t help but feel bad for the bird and then thought about other birds that are kept in cages as pets and how awful it is. Now, I’m not trying to be an animal rights activist by any means, I mean I love bacon as much as the next fat guy and I know what we do to pigs to get it. It’s just the thought of cutting off part of a birds wings because I don’t want it to fly away, I decided it’s going to be my pet, so there. Flying is kind of what birds are known for, so to cut off part of their body to keep them from doing what they were born to do seems sad. Anyway, the “bird man” kind of lost his fucking mind and started slamming a beer glass repeatedly on the bar. When I said, “Can I help you?” He said “I’m thirsty.” I said “And you think the best way to get a drink is slamming a beer glass on the bar?” He said, “I needed to get you attention.” I gave him the thousand yard stare, and he left. On a  separate note, I’m gonna make a BLT, fat man is hungry.

So here’s the thing: I really hate when people make the “heart” shape with their hands to express love for something or someone. I know it’s a loving gesture and I’m definitely a dick for feeling this way, but I can’t help it. Even if someone is doing it to me, I’d rather them just hate me than do that stupid hand heart. It’s like people who love shit started a gang and that’s their sign. What’s wrong with me? Don’t answer that.