So here’s the thing: I had a dream last night that just kind of slaps you in the face when you wake up. I had a dream that I was at work and everything was normal, besides the fact that it wasn’t actually where I work, it was altered the way dreams do. I was pouring a drink when a co-worker told me I had a phone call. I went over to the restaurant phone which looked like a random piece of wood for some reason. I said “Hello”, a voice spoke out and said “Is this you?” I said “Yeah, who’s this?” The voice, which was a male voice by the way, said “Hey, it’s your bathroom mirror, I really prefer looking at a wall and towel rack rather than you, please don’t come home anymore.” Let me say this, my self esteem isn’t at an all time high these days, but damn, a dream like that drives me to drink! On a separate note, I’ve decided to go on a bacon only diet, just to spite my bathroom mirror.

So here’s the thing: Why do people think it’s normal or acceptable in this society to just belch out loud with no regard for basic manners? Hey man, I’m a realist, I understand that it happens, but there’s a time and place to celebrate it, and that place isn’t at the bar in front of strangers and people trying to enjoy a meal or a cocktail. First of all it’s fucking disgusting when somebody just lets one rip and without prior knowledge you now know they had tuna salad for lunch. It’s rude you asshole. It’s one thing to burp at home and blow it at your roommate or friend, that’s funny, but that’s an acceptable setting to put common manners on hold in order to get a laugh. In the middle of  a conversation at the bar or restaurant isn’t the time, it’s tacky and in poor taste. I’m talking about men and women, but it’s worse when it’s a woman. Yeah, I said it’s worse when it’s a woman, it’s called a “double standard”, don’t get pissed ladies, you have plenty of double standards out there that are in your favor, so relax. You might be asking yourself “Why is it worse?” Well, put it this way, I like to think of women as sweet smelling, pretty and feminine, I don’t want them to share the qualities of the fat, hairy guy who works in the kitchen named Bob. Bottom line is it’s rude and I hate it, so there.

So here’s the thing: I’m not saying that I’m getting old, but I think I’m getting old. Would you like an example? I thought you might. So I’m sitting on the couch the other day and realized my little feets are getting cold. I don’t remember my feet ever getting cold in the past, but those little bastards get cold all the time now. I decided that I need a pair of slippers to wear around the house to keep my feet warm. Are you serious? I need slippers? I don’t even know what the fuck that means, but I need them. Not only did I decide that I need slippers, I wrote it down on a note pad so I don’t forget. What the hell is this life coming to? I’m fat, stupid and now I need slippers because my old fat and stupid feet get cold! I’m basically in a mid-life crisis over some goddamn slippers.

So here’s the thing: Obviously there are a lot of things that irritate me, but one that really melts my butter is that stupid fucking hat. You know what I’m talking about. It’s the hat that just doesn’t work in real life, it only works in the movies. You know, it’s the guy who wears the little news boy hat, or the Fedora. I’ll be the first to tell you that when it comes to style, I’m a train wreck, so technically I shouldn’t say shit about somebody else’s style, but I’m a hypocrite  sometimes, deal with it. The girls are even worse when they wear those hats, it screams “Look how cute I am in this hat that most people can’t pull off, but look how well I pull it off, I’m sooooo cute”. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who can pull off that look, and I hat them even more because, well god dammit I’m just jealous! There, I said it, are you happy?