So here’s the thing: I went to a baseball game the other day with my buddy Zach. We got there on time, which was the first time we’ve ever been on time for a sporting event. I of course was hungry and decided the baby was in the mood for a ballpark hot dog, I mean it had been at least two days since I had eaten a hot dog, so I was going through withdraws. Zach was down for a wiener so we made our way to the hot dog stand. There was a little old lady working the cash register and a little old man fixing up the dogs. I ordered just a plain dog, bread and dog, nothing else. Zach ordered one of the specialty dogs that came with a bunch of random shit on it. When we gave our order to the little old lady, she stared at the register like everything was in a different language. Zach and I made eye contact knowing exactly what the other was thinking. She figured it out and the old man starting fixing up the dogs. Mine came over in two seconds because it was plain, but he was still fixing Zach’s. We were just standing there watching and waiting. In the middle of fixing Zach’s dog, the old man sneezed over the dog and all the fixings, then looked up to see if we were watching, we were. He then looked away and finished the dog. The look Zach gave me with no words caused me to start laughing hysterically and I almost pissed myself. I had to walk away. I was waiting by our seating section ready to walk down when here comes Zach and his snot dog. He said “what the fuck am I supposed to do with this hot dog covered in old man juice?” He ate it when we got to our seats.
So here’s the thing: I wear dress socks to work most days and I catch a lot of shit from my co-workers and regulars because I’m also wearing shorts. It’s not a good look, but I don’t care because dress socks are soft and smooth and feel awesome. Believe me I have more pressing issues to worry about before I give a shit about my socks. Speaking of socks, how the hell do they get turned inside out in the wash? I don’t have time in my life to keep turning them outside in before putting them on, I got shit to do. Also, why do the heals wear out ten seconds after I put them on? Do I have the roughest heals on the planet? Am I buying the shittiest socks ever made? Why is stepping in something wet while in your socks the worst thing that has ever happened? If you’re wearing dirty socks, I hate you. I just realized there’s a lot more negative things about socks than positive things about socks. Maybe I’m over thinking this whole “sock” thing, or maybe you’re not thinking about it enough.
So here’s the thing: I’m sitting at the bar the other day when a guy comes and sits down next to me. Now, that’s just irritating because I don’t like people in my bubble, but whatever. The part that was really irritating was the odor I started to detect. It was the unmistakable odor of feet. I leaned back so I could get a look to see if he was wearing sandals or shoes. Guess, what? Sandals, coupled with stinky feet. There’s not a lot of things on this planet I find more disgusting than feet, but the bad odor from a strange mans feet sitting next to me takes the cake. I tried killing him with my mind, but that didn’t work, so I changed seats to get his funk out of my head. When I’m President, any funky odor in public will be punishable by fine or imprisonment.
So here’s the thing: I know I’m a dick. I know this. I also know that from time to time I write something that actually makes people laugh or at least think. I know this because you’ve told me so. You want to know what I don’t get? Wait, I actually get it, I just don’t understand it. I hope that didn’t confuse you, it’s early and I’ve had a few Chardonnays, bare with me. I think you’re on my side when I say you’ve been scrolling down your facebook feed and you see somebody posted a picture of a Margarita and the caption says “I don’t get salt, I’m crazy!” Underneath the post you see that it has 62 likes and 27 comments. You can’t help but think “I posted a smart and witty post about something relevant in the world today and I got 2 likes and zero comments, what the fuck man? Hey guess what? Their human man, that’s the problem. Long live the Mother Ship! Come get me!!
So here’s the thing: It was a week ago today that I had an interesting night at work, well every night is interesting but this was one for the books. It was around last call in the bar and I was working the patio. I was in the process of herding everybody inside so we could close down when something caught my eye. It was one of our regular guests taking a nose dive into the ground, not a pretty sight. I ran over to him to make sure he was alright when I noticed something out of the ordinary. He was with a friend who was trying to help him up, but was failing miserably. I grabbed him underneath his arms and lifted him up. It was dark out and kind of hard to see because the lights were down real low, but after staring at him for a few seconds I realized what was out of the ordinary, it was his penis and testicles hanging out of his pants that were half way down. Yeah, his penis. Two things popped into my head, one, now I know he’s not circumcised, cool, and two, are ant eaters extinct? My exact words to him were “Hey, put your dick back in your pants” He was trying to put “things” away, but didn’t have the coordination thanks to the Whiskey in his blood. He literally looked like a fat guy trying to tuck his shirt in. He managed to get the boys home but couldn’t button his pants or zip them up. Me being the sweet heart that I am, I buckled his belt and cinched him up nice and tight and escorted him out to walk home. That makes two human wieners I’ve seen this week that weren’t mine, I should go buy a lotto ticket!