Online is mentally offline.

online dating

So here’s the thing? I know that a lot of you are online dating and looking for love. Let me tell you who is online looking for sex, and kinky parking lot head…….every fucking guy online. Ladies, you have to trust me on this one, for once trust me. I know this may piss off some of the guys out there who read my blog, but fuck you, I’m being honest and hopefully scoring points because I’m a perv too, only I’m honest about it. I’ve never been online to meet a woman, but I know guys who have and the story usually ends with “she licked my asshole and I didn’t know what to do” or “she shit on me man, shit on me.” or “she was crying and jacking me off at the same time, how the fuck do I enjoy that?” I don’t know what the answer is with computer dating, but I know that it’s more of a hook up world than a fall in love world. Call me pessimistic or cynical, but I speak the truth. On a separate note, stop posting pictures of your fucking dogs doing nothing, it’s fucking stupid and we fucking hate it. If you keep doing it then, fuck you and the look on my face should confirm that feeling.

Who doesn’t love a dick pic?

dick pic

So here’s the thing: I’m no stranger to the “dick pic” and if you’re out there who has seen them, you know who you are and, I’m sorry. Recently I’ve been going through hell on earth with a couple of friends in my life. One friend sends me a pic of his broken dick from his girl fucking him like he’s a porno star, he’s not, he’s a normal guy with a normal dick, stop bouncing up and down like  you want to be on top of an Arizona Tea can. The other friend sends me pics on the regular of girls sucking his dick. Listen, I like dick sucking porn and shit related to that, but not my friends dick!! It’s weird to see your friends dick. I just want to be a normal pervert, not a pervert that is looking at his friends dick! Maybe I’m the crazy one, but I shouldn’t be receiving more dick pics than I produce, as s heterosexual man anyway. Fucking shit!! What the fuck is going on in my life when I get more dick pics than I send?? On a separate note, the Olympics are on right now, big fucking deal. You jumped farther than we did, cool, now what? What the fuck? Who fucking cares? You can swim, so can I . You swim faster? So fucking what, are we racing to Hawaii and the winner get’s nothing? Shut the fuck up, nice back flip bitch!

What the F do I do?



So here’s the thing: Have you ever messed with a girl a little, you know, flirting and shit, just to see what’s up? Then you go over to her house and this little crazy kid mother fucker comes out talking about, “what’s up homie?” “Why you talkin to my momma?” “What the fuck homie?” Inside of your head your like “fuck you little kid, don’t worry about what the fuck I be doin!” but at the same time this little mother fucker is stacked up, so then you start thinking, “shit, is this little fucker gonna roll me up?” Keep in mind, this dude is like five years old I think, I don’t know, I don’t have those things. Damn! It’s scary like a mother fucker to be afraid of a little kid! I get being afraid of a teenager, they have guns and shit, but a five year old? This mother fucker be like “What’s up homie?, stay away from my mom homie!” He has little veins popping out of his little muscly arms and shit! I haven’t been to the gym in twenty years and this little five year old mother fucker is coming at me with some real shit, man to man type shit! “Watch me do a thousand push ups and beat your ass homie!” “Watch me move your pussy ass car out of the driveway without a key homie!” “I’ve never had a boner and it’s bigger than your’s homie” “If you touch my mom, I’ll touch you’rs homie” “You think you’re funny? It’s because you’re  a joke homie” “You think you spit game? Your game is spitless homie” “You looking for Pokemon? I poked your mom homie” On a separate note, if you’re the person that doesn’t turn left on a yellow light after the green arrow, then you’re  a whore and I hope you get crabs, just because you made me wait for the next green arrow.

The Bartender hates you…


So here’s the thing: “I’m a reasonable guy, but I’ve just experiences some very unreasonable things” If you can tell me what movie that is from without using google, I’ll suck your dick. If you don’t have a dick, I’ll suck whatever’s down there. Do you want to know why I hate “you”? Because your the bitch that wears so much fucking lipstick that you actually change the mood I’m in on a daily basis. Who would of thought that the importance of how sexy you think you look and the cost that you’re willing to show it off, would actually change who I am as a human. I’m blown a away. I’m speechless. I actually think I’m smarter for having to think how fucking bizarre you are to do this and think it’s normal. You’ve educated me with your lipstick, and not in the fun way. On a separate note, you know you have a good friend when the phone call from him starts by him saying “Hey, you remember when I told you I think I have two assholes?” Listen, like, share, thanks.