What the F do I do?

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musclekid

So here’s the thing: Have you ever messed with a girl a little, you know, flirting and shit, just to see what’s up? Then you go over to her house and this little crazy kid mother fucker comes out talking about, “what’s up homie?” “Why you talkin to my momma?” “What the fuck homie?” Inside of your head your like “fuck you little kid, don’t worry about what the fuck I be doin!” but at the same time this little mother fucker is stacked up, so then you start thinking, “shit, is this little fucker gonna roll me up?” Keep in mind, this dude is like five years old I think, I don’t know, I don’t have those things. Damn! It’s scary like a mother fucker to be afraid of a little kid! I get being afraid of a teenager, they have guns and shit, but a five year old? This mother fucker be like “What’s up homie?, stay away from my mom homie!” He has little veins popping out of his little muscly arms and shit! I haven’t been to the gym in twenty years and this little five year old mother fucker is coming at me with some real shit, man to man type shit! “Watch me do a thousand push ups and beat your ass homie!” “Watch me move your pussy ass car out of the driveway without a key homie!” “I’ve never had a boner and it’s bigger than your’s homie” “If you touch my mom, I’ll touch you’rs homie” “You think you’re funny? It’s because you’re  a joke homie” “You think you spit game? Your game is spitless homie” “You looking for Pokemon? I poked your mom homie” On a separate note, if you’re the person that doesn’t turn left on a yellow light after the green arrow, then you’re  a whore and I hope you get crabs, just because you made me wait for the next green arrow.

The Bartender hates you…

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IMG_20160802_222030

So here’s the thing: “I’m a reasonable guy, but I’ve just experiences some very unreasonable things” If you can tell me what movie that is from without using google, I’ll suck your dick. If you don’t have a dick, I’ll suck whatever’s down there. Do you want to know why I hate “you”? Because your the bitch that wears so much fucking lipstick that you actually change the mood I’m in on a daily basis. Who would of thought that the importance of how sexy you think you look and the cost that you’re willing to show it off, would actually change who I am as a human. I’m blown a away. I’m speechless. I actually think I’m smarter for having to think how fucking bizarre you are to do this and think it’s normal. You’ve educated me with your lipstick, and not in the fun way. On a separate note, you know you have a good friend when the phone call from him starts by him saying “Hey, you remember when I told you I think I have two assholes?” Listen, like, share, thanks.

I’m a hypocrite…

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hypocrites

So here’s the thing: I’m a hypocrite. Fuck you! At least I can admit it. You might be thinking, how are you a hypocrite? Shit, where do I begin. I love malt vinegar on my fish and chips, but hate it when you do it because it stinks, if you don’t message me back right away I hate you, but if I don’t message you back, it’s because I’m busy, if you ask for a water with your meal and then don’t drink it, then I do the same thing on my first day off, when you’re in front of me at a red light and it turns green and you don’t go because you’re on your phone, I cuss at you like you killed a family member, then I do the same thing at the next light only I’m pissed at you for honking at me. On a separate note, I found a tortilla behind my bedroom fan this morning, and I don’t know how, or what the fuck that means.

Did you miss me?

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Fat-man-on-scale

So here’s the thing: I’ve been gone for about a year, and I know that you haven’t been the same without me, probably better, but those times are fucking over! I’m on this diet now, and it’s no secret that I’ve lost weight. The depressing part for me is that I have to listen to people basically tell me what a pig I was before, but now, not so much. I have to live with the fact that now I’m not “so much” of a pig, which only means I’m less gross, that’s not a compliment. Fuck you. That’s you being a dick and not realizing it, and if you’re doing it on purpose, that makes you……..well…..a half dead repeating piece of shit! I have to live my life with a “cheat” day now. That’s a fucking old woman thing and I’m saddened by that, but what can I do? A fucking “cheat” day? How about I cheat on my diet by getting a degree in psychology, driving over to all you handsome and in shape guys house, tying you down, feeding you butter while I show you pictures of a little dick and psychologically convincing you that it’s your’s. On a separate note, I was so stoned the other night that I called my mother and asked her what my middle name was, she said “what?”

Well that’s clearly unfortunate…

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smokeySo here’s the thing: I want you to listen very carefully to the advice I’m about to give you. If you’re someone who enjoys the recreational use of marijuana and also enjoys the occasional cocktail or ten, it’s very important that you never ever keep the Cortizone 10 in the same bathroom cabinet with your toothpaste. Never, ever, do that.